Writing. Life.

Mapping a Vision For Your Life

After sending "our" girls in Madison to bed reunited with the powerful and magical child they forgot they still carried inside, we prepared to take them on another journey on Sunday morning - into their future. We had an exercise planned for them that I myself did in a seminar just before Mia came home from her "detour." It's one I believe we should all do every so often in life, with great passion and love and focus. Because it will change your life, I promise.

Most of us spend a great deal of time and effort planning a vacation. It's something we anticipate and treasure; we plan exactly where we're going, when we're going and for how long, what we'll do and see there, who with. We budget with care, pack meticulously as we want to look a certain way, be comfortable and prepared for the unexpected. We don't believe we want to go to London or Rio, we know we do, we know we deserve it and we go.

Few of us do the same thing for our life. We have vague ideas in college of where we want to go, we often get sidetracked, sometimes for years, we pretty much just assume that life will turn out how we want it to and if it doesn't, we either go with the flow and make do or blame, complain and have regrets. If we were to be as specific, determined and focused as we were in planning a dream trip, putting the same time and energy into creating a vision for all areas of our lives, declaring and living it as if it is already so, an amazing thing happens - we begin to live by intention instead of default. Our unconscious goes to work and the universe cooperates. Because our words have great power; by "words" I mean any external expression of ourselves, including images and verbal declarations. I truly believe we speak ourselves into being.

Seven years ago had you told me that I would spend a lot of time in Europe (something I'd always dreamed of but hadn't the time or money for,) publish a book and hear from thousands that it's changed their lives (never in my wildest dreams, not even on the radar,) be in better shape and health than I was when I was young, have an amazing relationship with my daughter, live by a warm sea and write whatever I wanted (not by assignment or for hire,) and own a house (Mia's school left us quite broke,) I would have laughed my fool head off, thought you were crazy.

But I gave myself permission to want all those things; I envisioned that life in a seminar and I made a map for it, literally. And then put it away and forgot all about it. And the only reason I'm writing you about it today is because while searching through boxes of letters for the chapter we were writing about Mia's time in the Czech Republic, I came across my Visions Map.

And I was astonished, literally jump up and down blown away. Because even though  I'd forgotten about it, everything on it came true, I created my life almost exactly as I envisioned it. I wanted to be happily reunited with Mia. I wanted a home somewhere beautiful, I wanted to write by the sea. I even pasted, beneath the section on the lower left devoted to career, "A Call To Action," which our book certainly is with regard to sexual abuse. I wanted to create a healthy, sexy body (at the time, turning the pages of a book was exercise); I wanted a greater spiritual presence in my life (that's the leaf with the word "spirit" on it and the word "free" beside it) and that's come to pass; I wanted to be with family and friends (something fluid now as I make new friends in a new location and have finally been to see my sister in Hungary and reunited with nieces, nephews, a grand-niece and grand-nephew, all of whom I'm crazy about. I've also made amazing new friends on the journey my book has taken me on.)

It was so rewarding, and fun, to watch the girls cut and past their new selves and lives into being. Peace and comfort featured in all of their maps in various manifestations, friendship was a significant theme. Images of female power seemed to be the most prominent theme - hooray, girls!! They were so incredibly focused and intent upon their dreams, you could hear a pin drop. Do you know how hard it is to get a group of teenage girls in one room to be quiet? Because they're under eighteen, I can't include photos at this point, but picture young women who are just beginning to realize that they have wings!

One of the most poignant things to witness was how much the mothers enjoyed making their own visions maps, giving themselves permission to dream a new life into being, not just as mothers, but as women. These women have been almost as battered by the events and the justice system as their daughters. I knew how they felt because I spent a long time there myself. And it was an absolute joy to watch them - they were cutting and pasting away with as much or more gusto than their daughters.

I gotta tell you, I am blessed. Next time I start whining or railing here, somebody remind me.

Still on a High...

(NOTE: I was going to post this with photos, but I'm still waiting on releases and I'm still too excited by the weekend to wait. I'll add them when I do the next post. I'm also leaving in the word "damaged" so you can see how wise Nita's comment on the post below it is. It's so easy to forget our "languaging" and how powerful it is in our lives.)

I'm still buzzing from the most amazing weekend with the girls I wrote about below. The weekend was far more than anything we, or they, could have imagined.

We hardly sat down from the moment we got there. I arrived in the afternoon and into baggage claim walks a group of six beaming girls alongside Mia, who'd arrived earlier in the day. Some were a bit shy at first, all were as excited as we were. One of the firs things I noticed was a certain calm and maturity, even for the youngest (fourteen, I believe.) One of the things Mia wrote about in the last chapter of Come Back, was how abuse forces you to grow up early, because you see a side of human nature most kids don't see. I felt that. But it wasn't sadness I felt from them, though surely they have that inside as well, just a certain knowingness and presence.

They spoke of this during a delicious potluck meal we shared at the nature center of a nearby nature preserve. One of the girls spoke of how much more aware of danger than other girls her age she was, how they all seemed to have sharper instincts, about the mood and intentions of others. This "gift of fear" is something that will serve them well as adults, as long as it's not irrational. They spoke of that as well, with Mia sharing how it took her years to get over not wanting to be alone in the bathroom (I read many a novel while she showered over the years.) They had lots of questions for us, about writing, publicity, etc., but mostly about how Mia healed, what her life is like now, if and how the abuse still comes up for her, what our mother/daughter relationship is like.

After dinner we went with a park specialist for some trust exercises, one of which was getting a marble across a long distance with each of us holding a short piece of plastic pipe. The girls were ingenious, more so than the adults (which included their counselors, mothers, Mia and me.) Then came what you see in the first photo - cross-country skiing, sort of, with six of us to each pair of "skis." Again, the most ingenious solutions came from the girls, with K. coming up with the idea of instead using them as planks, plopping one down in front of the other (if you've seen the movie "The Piano" with Holly Hunter, you'll get the picture.) There's K. in the second picture; she's the one who took the initiative and contacted us. She can't weigh more than a hundred pounds, she's a little powerhouse.

Afterwards, we circled up to talk about what worked and didn't. If we take the time, there's very little we do in life that doesn't have feedback for us. Then I went inside to spend time with the mothers, which was a very moving experience. I felt honored to be in their presence. They were so strong and determined, a group of smart, savvy women with the endurance of Atlas. One woman, a single teacher, has been raising all four of her nieces and nephews, from a young age, something very few of us would do.

I saw in their faces the same pain and uncertainty I felt while I was struggling with Mia's abuse. They want their child's healing and happiness so much it was almost painful to see. I know they want their own healing as well, that's why they come once a week for group therapy with an amazing woman, Jude (she's so evolved and powerful, I hope to emulate her.) I hope these moms choose happiness for themselves as well. As moms, we're so focused on our kids that we forget that if our kids don't see us as joyful, it's hard for them to choose it for themselves as well. Not lets-have-fun-happy, that's fleeting and tied to circumstances/events, but true deep joy, which is a state of being, regardless of circumstance. This was one of my biggest lessons, one that had a profound effect on Mia. It's a state of mind that allows us to make choices from love instead of fear. It allows us to trust, it keeps our heart open. We all had it naturally as a little child. We still do, most of us have simply forgotten, we forget that, like a child, we can get up and do the exact same things we complain about, with a feeling of lightness, adventure. I keep a sticky paper by my desk that reads, "What would an EXTRAORDINARY person do in this situation?"

Mia spent the evening with the girls and their therapist, Kim, at the bonfire outside. Each girl read from a letter they had written the week before, telling their story and sharing what they want to let go of in order to move forward in life. They then each burned their letters. A few girls who'd never really opened up to the group chose to do so - a huge accomplishment! Kim is such a compassionate, generous and active therapist, a rock in their lives. I'll let Mia tell you about the bonfire in her own post here.

At least one of the girls wants to post here as well, which will be a real treat. One of them, a tall beauty named Hannah, will share her poetry, which she also performs with Spoken Word,  to empower others, as Mia did with the book. And I've just heard that our visit has encouraged a few of them to go on local radio to share their story to let others who've been abused know that they're not alone and that anything's possible. They credit Mia with showing them the way. I'm tearing up as I write this...

I led both groups through a visualization, to end the evening with them reuniting with that magical, wondrous child they thought was forever left behind. The little girl who'd never known hurt or betrayal or limitations. In the semi-dark room I could hear some tears (and one dear soul who was snoring, there's always one...) The girls were sent home with homework and a big assignment - to be silent until we saw them at 10 next morning. If you think that's easy, I suggest you try it. But sooo worth it, the longer the better (but that's a whole 'nother post.)

Our Sunday morning coming up next...